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11th District Race 
Congressional Clash Makes History 
Kanjorski, Barletta Spent Over $2.5 Million, Not Including Outside Soft Money

Tuesday, December 24, 2002 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Page: 3A 





OPINION 
 Dear Santa: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 I'm writing from Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania. You remember. The place the
reindeer are afraid to land. You used to get your coal here. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; Times are tough in Wilkes-Barre, Santa, worse than a foggy Christmas Eve.
The economy is bad, and people need jobs. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 We're not asking you to fly a factory down here. In fact, we're not asking
for anything at all. We're making an offer you can't refuse. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 You probably have noticed during your travels that industries have been
moving from the north to the south. Most of them don't stop until they get to
Mexico. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 You should move your operations too, Santa, but not to Tijuana. We want you
here. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 We can offer a sleigh-full of incentives. Tax-free zones. Vacant buildings.
Cheap labor. All the pierogies you can eat. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Just banish your elves to the Island of the Misfit Toys, load up the
missus, and come on down. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Let me list some of the positives of relocating here, since it's a format
you're familiar with. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Top 10 Reasons you should move to Wilkes-Barre: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 10. Free coal for bad kids available at any of our many culm piles. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 9. No open season on reindeer. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 8. The highest return rates on campaign contributions anywhere. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 7. You'd fit right in. We have plenty of red-nosed, jolly old elves walking
around with bags slung over their shoulders. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 6. No shortage of Christmas cheer. If there isn't a bar on the corner,
there's a beer distributor. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 5. Guaranteed starring role in ``The Miracle on South Main Street'' to be
filmed after downtown economic recovery is complete. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 4. No doctors to bug you about your diet. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 3. Kingston cops will keep tabs on bad kids through their ``Knock and
Talk'' program. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 2. Space in our downtown call center, where you only pay rent if you want
to. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 1. Plenty of magic dust dealers to keep your reindeer flying high. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 But, you better watch out &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 The only problem is our mayor. You know him. Little Tommy McGroarty. The
guy who asked for the Tonka trucks and Tom Leighton's head on a platter. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 You have to get McGroarty's permission to come to town, and he's driven all
sorts of businesses away. He's 40 now and should be maturing, but people who
work for him say he's mean as cat manure and more manic than ever. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 The truth is, he can be kind of abrasive, and he's probably mad at you
already because he blames everyone else for his problems. Don't be surprised
if he calls you Fatso and reads his Christmas list real, real slow in a very
patronizing manner. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 But if you let him fly your sleigh, and tell him that Gov. Schweiker is
gettin' nuttin' for Christmas, before you know it, he'll invite you to
Wilkes-Barre, and tell you to call him ``Homer.'' &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Just don't try talking to anyone from the City Council or the chamber of
commerce, or he'll kidnap you and drive you around Scranton all day, like he
did to Al Boscov and the guy who wants to build the movie theater. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Here's the most important part. If you want McGroarty to go for it, you
have to make him think it was his idea. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Call Jones at 829-7215 or e-mail caseyj@leader.net. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

10 Reasons Santa Should Come To Town