$16m Tower Is Awaiting Taxpayers/ Exclusive

Andrew Zavada Crestwood Sr.

Friday, December 02, 2005 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Page: 3A 





Walked into a pretty wild T-shirt place the other day. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; My wife and I had some free time waiting to meet up with our daughter, a
university student. My sister walked along with us, a trio of middle-aged
adults in a store designed to attract much younger people, like the kids going
to college nearby. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 We found ourselves tsk-tsking a lot. We were feeling our age, so old we
would not be caught dead wearing the shirts but still young enough to
appreciate the irreverence. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Many of the shirts contained the F word, or a version thereof. About the
only one I can report here said something like: "Come back in a few beers." &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 So what'd we do? Bought some shirts for our kids, of course - but not the
gross ones. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 They're just rude. I'll never understand the logic of wearing a shirt
asking for sex in 3-inch-tall letters from anyone and everyone passing by. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Forget your mom's clean underwear warning. Start thinking about that
T-shirt. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Imagine the poor priest in the emergency room trying to concentrate on your
last rites as your chest boasts: "Yes, I do need to be spanked." &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 But enough about the bad shirts. On to the clever slogans. When they're
good, they're very, very good. Like: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 * I'm not fat, I'm American &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 * Kill responsibly. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 * You'll regret reading this shirt when the police sketch artist asks you
to describe my face. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 That store was in Manhattan. But I started wondering about us here in the
Valley. Why, in the spirit of consumerism that so pervades this time of year,
don't we create some Valley T's, some shirts with local slogans? &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 If we get creative enough, hey, we could sell T's for lots of money to all
our friends and relatives who have been able to afford to move to Florida or
New York or South Carolina. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 With apologies to some of the Web sites I visited to research this column -
I mutated some to give them a Valley spin - here are my ideas: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 * Buy up a bunch of cheap, bright orange T's, the color of those inmate
jumpsuits, and try these words: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Lzerne Conty Lockp. The only thing missing is U. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 * Find an old photo from Hurricane Ivan, a really muddy one, and put it on
the front of the shirt with these words: Vince said it would be like this. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 And on the back: We hate Vince. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 *A simple one here, just the words: You say Hugo like it's a bad thing. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 * In the interest of tourism, Greg Skrepenak, you know the big NFL
lineman-turned politician, could pose for a photo at Chicken Coop in Plains
with sauce all over his face and a sauce-covered plate in front of him. Get
that colorful photo on a shirt with the words: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Bird flu, 0. Wing nite in the Valley, 1,348,999. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 * Here's one for a chubby friend or relative. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 I ate George Banks' last meal ... all of them. (I know it's kind of weird
but I'll bet it would sell at places like the annual Plymouth Township Mud
Bog.) &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 * How about these simple words: What would Hugo do? &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 *You'd need small type for this one, so folks will have to move in close to
read. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Want to know how to keep someone from the Valley busy and preoccupied and
sidetracked and diverted and distracted without really trying? I just did. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 * On the front, Gob Dum. On the back, Dyslexic drivers welcome. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 * Like I said, who needs curse words for T-shirts? Last but not least: &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 * Print these words big on the front of a T: Mud Bog. Victory Pig. And
these small: The Valley of good, clean fun. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

... And All I Got Were These T-shirt Ideas/ David Iseman Opinion