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AL R. DENNIS, “Pal,” 79, o

I AM a mother of two children: my daughter, Jennifer, who would have been 26 on April 14, and my son, David, who would have been 24 just two days later (murdered by their father on Christmas morning 1994).
With this week being National Crime Victims Rights week, my hope is that society could begin to understand a bit more about victimization, how to talk with a crime victim and the importance of not avoiding them. 
At first, I couldn&rsquo;t understand why people would avoid talking with me. A book, written by Dr. Judith Bernstein and titled &ldquo;When the Bough Breaks,&rdquo; helped me to understand. 
 She wrote that an orphan is a child without a parent. A widow or widower is a person who has lost a spouse. There is no word to identify to the outside world a parent who has lost a child. The concept of losing a child is too &ldquo;unthinkable,&rdquo; and because people don&rsquo;t want to be reminded that such atrocities do happen, most people &ndash; even with the best intentions &ndash; don&rsquo;t know what to say or do. As a result, those people who could be potential sources of support avoid the eerie and the awkward. Bereaved parents often are avoided and become victims of social ostracism. 
In addition to being avoided, I&rsquo;ve also heard some painful comments from people who meant well. Comments such as &ldquo;at least you are young enough to have more children&rdquo; and &ldquo;at least it happened when they were young, because if they were older, you would have been more attached to them.&rdquo; Or, &ldquo;It was God&rsquo;s will &hellip; they are in a better place now &hellip; God never gives us more than we can handle.&rdquo; For most victims, there is no comfort in these statements. 
Let&rsquo;s go back. It was God&rsquo;s will? I don&rsquo;t think that God picked Jen and Dave and said, &ldquo;Their father will stab them 10 times and then take his own life.&rdquo; In hindsight, we knew their father had severe mental health issues, was delusional and chose to commit a heinous act. 
We associate God with goodness and love. Often, early on, victims cannot allow God and the violent act of a crime to co-exist. When bringing God into the picture and connecting him in some way to the act, it&rsquo;s not comforting. If survivors utilize these beliefs themselves, fine. 
We need to become more comfortable talking with victims. 
Two words that can help: &ldquo;I&rsquo;m sorry.&rdquo; 
A few more words: 
&#8226; I&rsquo;m sorry this happened to you.
&#8226; You&rsquo;re in my thoughts.
&#8226; I will say a prayer for you.
&#8226; I hope you&rsquo;re OK.
&#8226; This must be a difficult time for you. 
You don&rsquo;t have to say anything more. Perhaps they will talk, and you can listen in return, or they might simply thank you. 
Survivors of crime like to be asked about their loved ones and share fond memories. Don&rsquo;t be afraid to mention their loved one&rsquo;s name. It won&rsquo;t remind parents of their loss. Trust me, they haven&rsquo;t forgotten. 
Don&rsquo;t be afraid to ask about details. Victims need to tell their stories, over and over and over, especially in the early months of their loss. Why is this important? It&rsquo;s part of the process that helps them to live with the reality of their loss. It enables them to acknowledge and eventually accept their changed reality. Remembering and sharing both pleasant experiences and painful memories is the essence of grieving. Because what happened is so incomprehensible, re-telling is truly the one way that helps to make it a reality. 
Please remember: The greatest comfort comes from listening without judgment and creating an atmosphere that gives permission for the victims to feel whatever they do at that moment. Allowing someone to express those feelings &ndash; any feelings &ndash; without judgment is the vital gift of acceptance.