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Sunshine, slight chance of snow predicted into the weekend

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Pork industry says not to worry about a bacon shortage

<p>Here&#8217;s what I think: couples who work together end up wanting to kill each other.</p><p>Look at Sonny and Cher! Brad and Angelina! Archie and Veronica! Add Nancy and me to that list.</p><p>I have my little company of which I&#8217;m ridiculously proud that happily chugs along each day. It&#8217;s my favorite child and I&#8217;ve nurtured it and raised it well. I have friends who are successful in various aspects of business and to whom I&#8217;ve posed queries involving the intricacies of this endeavor.</p><p>The person to whom I avoid asking questions?</p><p>That&#8217;s right.</p><p>Good old Nancy.</p><p>And do you know why?</p><p>Because he doesn&#8217;t think I&#8217;m smart. He answers my questions with a smirk, a monumental eye-roll and a slow head-shake (the most insulting kind) and that makes me either want to kick him in his hernia surgical area or put d-Con in the pepper shaker.</p><p>Sometimes I ask him a legitimate business-related question and he answers: &#8220;Seriously? You aren&#8217;t serious? Are you serious?&#8221;</p><p>I say, &#8220;Yes. I seriously want a divorce.&#8221;</p><p>You know what I mean, ladies.</p><p>If someone makes you feel stupid, you aren&#8217;t going to ask them another bloody thing for the rest of your days together, unless it&#8217;s: &#8220;Cremation or burial?&#8221;</p><p>But, apparently, my husband is a very astute financial-type person.</p><p>I know I haven&#8217;t bothered to balance a check book since 1987 and someone is doing it so I think it&#8217;s probably him. When tax time rolls around I have to tuck my tail between my legs and ask for help. I tried to implement QuickBooks last year and let&#8217;s just say that apparently you have to know facts and figures and you&#8217;re supposed to actually void checks that you lose.</p><p>Also, there&#8217;s nothing quick about QuickBooks, I&#8217;m here to tell you. They should&#8217;ve named it &#8220;Drag Your Feet and Hope for the Best Books.&#8221;</p><p>So, we began this torturous week completing my accounting and taxes.</p><p>It was ugly.</p><p>My stomach clenched every time he sighed, gritted his teeth and asked such silly questions as: &#8220;Do you actually believe you can list a facial as a business expense?&#8221;</p><p>Well. Heck, yeah! Look good, feel good, sell more stuff, man.</p><p>Or: &#8220;You absolutely, positively cannot legally deduct the veterinarian bill! You are crazy!&#8221;</p><p>&#8220;Well I don&#8217;t see why not. Those dogs are in my office every day. It&#8217;s in everyone&#8217;s best interest that they remain healthy and hairball free with clean anal sacs!&#8221;</p><p>After he yelled at me for losing a few receipts (like, 25) I told him that I have to hire someone else to do this gig next year. No marriage can withstand this nonsense. It&#8217;s too hard for me to have someone dissect this portion of my life and not understand that when I say nail polish and donuts should be a legitimate deduction, it&#8217;s completely justified.</p><p>If Fred and Wilma worked together at the quarry, I can tell you, they would not be married today. And it is just this kind of realism that makes my husband want to throw my checkbook (the one with the missing checks) at me.</p><p>Listen, Trump declared: &#8220;The write-off is a wonderful thing.&#8221;</p><p>Trust me, if he once deducted $916 million, I should be able to deduct a couple of Krispy Kremes! Someone, tell Nancy QuickBooks it&#8217;s OK.</p><style>
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<div class="metaInfo"><bylineMeta><p>Maria Jiunta Heck</p><p>Life Deconstructed</p></bylineMeta></div><div class="metaInfo"><shirttailMeta><p>Maria Jiunta Heck of West Pittston is a mother of three and a business owner who lives to dissect the minutiae of life. Send Maria an email at mariajh40@msn.com.</p></shirttailMeta></div>

Life Deconstructed: No accounting for what makes a marriage a battleground