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King’s women’s basketball pulls away from Wilkes in second half

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Renovated Barnes & Noble plans celebration Jan. 29

<p>Once upon a time there lived a very short, stout princess in a shabby castle, across a moat, on the West Side. She was okay with her weight. Until Thanksgiving. And then the advent of copious amounts of cookie-making, pre-Christmas. And then post-Christmas binging. And then New Year&#8217;s Ever drinking and eating and drinking. She stood on the scale on Jan. 2 and threw up. The end.</p><p>Arghhh. It&#8217;s never the end.</p><p>My people cannot just eat and drink willy-nilly or we become quite portly, like an Italian-Polish Violet Beauregard from Willie Wonka! Both my grandmothers were enthusiastic ingesters of all things fried in lard and bathed in butter, sauce, cream and kielbasi. And they were also the height and shape of a sassy fire hydrant with pin curls and big, plastic pocket books containing mints, used hankies and gallon-sized baggies of pepper cookies. Loved them; don&#8217;t want to be them.</p><p>And so begins the cyclical regurgitation of the &#8220;New Year, New Me&#8221; crap.</p><p>Diets are Satan. I wasn&#8217;t born with self-control. I see a chocolate covered raisin on the floor and I lunge, chew and swallow before I realize it wasn&#8217;t a raisin. If you tell me I cannot eat a bagel, I am going to fling myself to the ground and have a high carb seizure. And I will cry; bet on it.</p><p>Every year, it&#8217;s a new diet fad with a catchy, confusing name. I interpret these crazes in all the wrong ways. First it was the Atkins diet. All I heard when I was schooled on this was &#8220;meat is good.&#8221; So, in my mind, the Atkins Diet was The Happy Meal Diet. I was so Happy with the Meals on this diet! Strangely, in one month I gained seven pounds. Fail.</p><p>The South Beach Diet. Well to me, that&#8217;s any beach so it was like the Wildwood Crest Diet. Eat boardwalk food! This diet consisted of fries with vinegar, funnel cakes, caramel popcorn and taffy. In one month I gained eight pounds. Fail.</p><p>Now it&#8217;s the stupid Keto Diet! KETO? I thought I heard Cheeto! Long story short: I gained 11 pounds and the tips of my pointer and thumb will never be anything but glow-in-the-dark orange. I&#8217;ll tell you, that color is not seen in nature and I am pretty sure, neither are the ingredients in the actual Cheeto. Fail.</p><p>So, I will try to eat better on my own. I promise to obsess about this at least until Halloween when it will all go to hell again. My friend, Denise, is on this trip with me, but as she checks on my progress daily, I blatantly lie to her. Like, yesterday, I told her I had carrots for my afternoon snack and she was so impressed, I didn&#8217;t have the heart to tell her every bite was bathed in full-fat bleu cheese dressing. But, the carrot was the star! It was only a tiny modification! I reported that I ate a handful of almonds for my snack. They were enrobed within 12 ounces of a coat called Hershey, but why mention that? It&#8217;s almost inconsequential!</p><p>My name is Maria and I&#8217;m a diet drop-out. Are chicken wings allowed on any of these diets? I decided they&#8217;re on my diet. (Poultry is good!). Along with pizza, (tomatoes are good!) Lay&#8217;s Potato Chips (potatoes are good!), and bagels (okay, bagels are bad).</p><p>Now I will begin the Weight Watchers diet. Watch me gain weight. It&#8217;s almost Cadbury Egg time. Really, watch me gain weight. Fail. </p><style>
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<div class="metaInfo"><bylineMeta><p>Life Deconstructed</p><p>Maria Jiunta Heck</p></bylineMeta></div><div class="metaInfo"><shirttailMeta><p>Maria Jiunta Heck, of West Pittston, is a mother of three and a business owner who lives to dissect the minutiae of life. Send Maria an email at mariajh40@msn.com.</p></shirttailMeta></div>

Life Deconstructed: 2019: The Year of the Fire Hydrant