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Joyce Victor is featured speaker at Annual Luncheon with a Special Author

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Bryce Harper makes Phillies hottest ticket in town

<p>Sometimes, my sweet Nancy refers to me as &#8220;Little Miss Cranky Pants&#8221; and not in a cute, endearing way. Actually, he never calls me anything in a cute, endearing way, unless I&#8217;m holding a Weekender bag of Middleswarths.</p><p>To be honest, I am cranky. And whenever I state the reason for my annoyance, he always asks: &#8220;What DOESN&#8217;T make you cranky?&#8221; My answer: not much, bro.</p><p>I decided to give serious thought to things that legitimately annoy me. I was a little chagrined to find it was a pretty long list. Does this mean I&#8217;m a curmudgeon?! A miserable hag who will be the old lady in the neighborhood who throws jelly beans at the squirrels and doesn&#8217;t answer her door on Halloween? Probably. I&#8217;m halfway there now. In my defense, I was on the toilet for most of Halloween 2018.</p><p>Okay, let&#8217;s share the list of Maria&#8217;s Annoyances and you tell me if I am rightfully aggrieved or am I just being a nasty snake in the grass?</p><p>1. Speaking loudly into your phone, in public. On Speaker. IN PUBLIC. I was so infuriated one day at CVS, I told the woman who was bellowing into the phone to stop. I said, &#8220;No one in CVS gives a sh&amp;* about your nasty eczema! Hang up!&#8221; It&#8217;s basic decorum, people! I wish every public establishment would disconnect their WIFI, so no one can use their cell phones. The boundaries of seismic rudeness are gargantuan.</p><p>2. This is a very bizarre confession, I know. But, when I&#8217;m washing dishes or my face, and the cuffs of my shirt get wet, I am beside myself with annoyance. Isn&#8217;t that odd? I must immediately change my shirt because the wet cuffs ruin my day! I feel like maybe I was a victim of waterboarding in a past life.</p><p>3. Speaking of clothing &#8230; when did it become every designer&#8217;s compulsion to add thumb holes to cuffs of shirts and jackets. I understand that if you&#8217;re a runner and its winter, this design keeps your hands warm. But if you aren&#8217;t an athlete and you&#8217;re just sitting in front of your TV watching Dr. Pimple Pooper, you don&#8217;t need thumb holes in that sweatshirt. Don&#8217;t use them. It&#8217;s annoying.</p><p>4. Don&#8217;t even try to slip into the 15 Items or Less line at Walmart in front of me, girl in the Sponge Bob pajama pants. When I run through Walmart and all I need is a tub of MiraLAX, with a side order of Depends, then race to the Express Line before I see anyone I know, and see you clustering together a massive potpourri of fruits, candies and cigarettes like you were making some kind of weird salad, I will call you out on it. You don&#8217;t fool me, Linda. You do not fool me.</p><p>5. Pumpkin flavored anything-but-pie. Gross. I can&#8217;t deal with the smells of the season. Maybe I have Autumnal Dysmorphia, because when I saw pumpkin flavored Chapstick on display, I threw it down the aisle. Can&#8217;t we all just agree that pumpkin is not an awesome addition to everything? Not Fritos, not Kit Kats and not tampons.</p><p>6. Bathing suits on display in January. Why? WHY? Apparently, they didn&#8217;t read my column about the Keto/Cheeto diet. Get a grip, Target and bring back the ponchos.</p><p>7. My annoyance reaches epic proportions when Nancy leaves CNN blaring and exits the house. He does this because he knows &#8220;That Voice&#8221; makes me break out in hives and democracy. If I hear &#8220;the wall&#8221; one more time, I will punch my own wall.</p><p>I am Little Miss Cranky Pants; there&#8217;s no denying it. But I&#8217;m Little Miss Cranky Pants holding a Weekender bag of Middleswarths that I will not share. Shoving random hands other than my own in one bag of anything annoys me.</p><style>
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<div class="metaInfo"><bylineMeta><p>Life Deconstructed</p><p>Maria Jiunta Heck</p></bylineMeta></div><div class="metaInfo"><shirttailMeta><p>Maria Jiunta Heck, of West Pittston, is a mother of three and a business owner who lives to dissect the minutiae of life. Send Maria an email at mariajh40@msn.com.</p></shirttailMeta></div>

Life Deconstructed: Cranky reimagined as honest annoyance