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<p>The annual mountain of catalogs is pouring into our mailboxes again.</p><p>With thoughts of impeachment swirling in our heads, we decided to curb our natural antagonisms and spread some cheer from said catalogs before they go into the recycling bin.</p><p>Jim Jordan, the overwrought Ohio Republican congressman who likes to shout observations with no apparent questions at cowering witnesses, must have left his suit jacket on the bus when he first got to Washington and never thought to get another one.</p><p>We saw the slogan &#8220;give the gift of relaxation&#8221; on the Pajamagram catalog and decided Jordan should give up all pretense and wear Darth Vader jamies to work. The already confused witnesses could make of it what they will.</p><p>We are happy that House Speaker Nancy Pelosi holds no animosity for her nemesis Donald Trump and told reporters in no uncertain terms that she prays for him all the time. We saw her trademark lapis lazuli beads in the form of a rosary. She could smooth the reassuring beads and pray for Trump, all in one stroke.</p><p>Attorney General William Barr went around the world at taxpayer expense searching for proof that the Russia investigation started out of bias against Trump, not ties with Russians that seemed inexplicable. The inspector general who Barr put in charge of this pointless mission finally reported to Congress that Barr was just flat-out wrong, no premeditated bias.</p><p>We want Barr to have Sharper Image&#8217;s levitating fern, which draws moisture from the air and floats in mid-air. Hours of fun and pointless speculation in the office.</p><p>Adam Schiff, Democratic chair of the House Intelligence Committee, which held hours of impeachment hearings, almost never gets to go home to the weekend warmth of California and his constituents.</p><p>We go again to Sharper Image for its $100 &#8220;everlasting&#8221; red or white rose in a bell jar for Schiff. </p><p>Everybody has given up trying to figure out South Carolina Republican Sen. Lindsey Graham, chair of the Senate Judiciary Committee, who used to be best friends with John McCain, now deceased, and now is best friends with Trump, who was sworn enemies with the Vietnam War hero.</p><p>Graham spins every attack on Trump with passion and pointlessness. He should have the Vermont Country Store&#8217;s gyroscope, which &#8220;spins, dances, balances, is fascinating fun for all ages, is simple to use, mysterious to explain and comes with pedestal and case.&#8221;</p><p>Mike Pompeo, former GOP senator, former CIA director, current secretary of state, has been faulted for not defending State Department personnel under political attack by such people as Rudy Giuliani, Trump&#8217;s personal lawyer who is working hard without a salary to keep Trump in office for four more years.</p><p>Pompeo, who pointedly did not back up his diplomats who the White House wanted fired for reasons such as not posting Trump&#8217;s picture in the U.S. embassy in Ukraine, needs Hammacher Schlemmer&#8217;s Easy Read Full Disclosure Clock. It displays day, date and time in numbers and words, can be read across the room and displays days and months in Spanish, French, German, Italian, Polish, Dutch and Welsh, although, sadly for Pompeo, not Russian.</p><p>Speaking of Giuliani, who recently announced he is divorcing his third wife and also decided to go to Ukraine during the height of the impeachment crisis, which he helped promulgate, he needs Hammacher&#8217;s $400 two-story inflatable Grinch so he can find his way home and stay there.</p><p>Now we come to the four non-amigo Democrats, former vice-president Joe Biden, Senator Elizabeth Warren, Senator Bernie Sanders and South Bend, Ind., Mayor Pete Buttigieg. Currently, they seem to be heading the pack eager to oust Trump from office.</p><p>Biden needs a memory aid. Asked at a town hall meeting in New England who would be his running mate, he picked four women but couldn&#8217;t actually identify any by name.</p><p>Warren needs a calculator. She proposed a $20.5 trillion health care plan.</p><p>Sanders, who is 78 and recently had a heart attack, needs one of those headphones that immerses you in a virtual reality, 3-D experience, from the comfort of your Barcalounger.</p><p>Buttigieg, 37, often criticized for a lack of widespread political experience, speaks English, Spanish, French, Italian, Maltese, Norwegian, Arabic and Dari, a variation of Persian. He needs a translation device that lets you communicate with people over 50.</p><p>Trump could use the Sharper Image Fat Freezer Chin and Neck Sculpting System.</p><p>Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.</p><style>
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<div class="neCaption">Ann McFeatters
Contributing columnist</div></div><div class="metaInfo"><photo0>https://www.timesleader.com/wp-content/uploads/2019/12/web1_mcfeatters.jpg</photo0><caption0>Ann McFeatters
Contributing columnist</caption0><photoCredit0></photoCredit0></div></div>
<div class="metaInfo"><bylineMeta><p>Ann McFeatters</p><p>Guest Columnist</p></bylineMeta></div><div class="metaInfo"><shirttailMeta><p>Ann McFeatters is an op-ed columnist for Tribune News Service. Contact her at <a href="mailto:amcfeatters@nationalpress.com">amcfeatters@nationalpress.com</a>.</p></shirttailMeta></div>

Ann McFeatters: Gifts for that hard-to-buy-for politician in your life