Year To Temper Justice With Mercy And Abolish Death Penalty Is Upon Us

After Syracuse Debacle, Weakened Penguins Struggle To Move Past Losing Streak

Terrie Morgan-Besecker
 Tuesday, January 04, 2000 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Page: 1C 





I WAS WEARING A BLACK DRESS - NOT A SIZE 6 - AND IT DID NOT HUG EVERY INCH OF
MY BODY. STANDING IN THE GRAND BALLROOM AT THE WOODLANDS INN AND RESORT, I
WAS FILLED WITH PRIDE AND SATISFACTION AS I WATCHED MY CO-WORKERS ENTER OUR
ANNUAL HOLIDAY PARTY TWO WEEKS AGO. IT HAD BEEN MORE THAN A YEAR SINCE THAT
NIGHT IN THE RESTROOM LOCATED JUST DOWN THE HALL WHERE I AND MY SIZE 22
SHORTS WERE CONFRONTED WITH THE REALITY OF JUST HOW BAD I HAD LOOKED. BUT
THIS NIGHT, DEE. 19, WOULD BE DIFFERENT. YES, THERE WOULD BE MANY ``LOOKS.''
BUT NONE WOULD CARRY THE LESSON IN HUMILIATION THAT THE WOMAN IN THE SIZE 6
DRESS HAD CONVEYED WITH THAT ONE SHORT GLANCE IN SEPTEMBER 1998. ON THIS
NIGHT MY SIZE 22S WERE LONG GONE. SO WERE THE 20S, THE 18S AND THE 16S. THERE
I WAS, IN A SIZE 14 DRESS, COMPLIMENTS OF THE 32-POUND WEIGHT LOSS I HAD
ACHIEVED SINCE HITTING MY HEIGHT OF 208 POUNDS. AT 176 POUNDS, I CERTAINLY
LOOKED BETTER THAN I DID AT 208. SEVERAL CO-WORKERS MADE A POINT TO TELL ME
SO. MY MAN WAS BY MY SIDE, AND I FELT GREAT. AND THAT'S THE PROBLEM. IT HAS
BEEN NEARLY A MONTH SINCE I LAST WROTE A COLUMN DOCUMENTING MY WEIGHT LOSS
EFFORTS. I HAD HOPED BY THIS POINT TO REPORT THAT I HAD DROPPED BELOW 170. I
MADE SOME HEADWAY, AT ONE POINT DROPPING TO 174. THEN THE
``BUT-IT'S-THE-HOLIDAYS-AND-CAN'T-I-GIVE -MYSELF-A-BREAK?'' ATTITUDE TOOK
OVER. IT'S OK TO HAVE A FEW BEERS, I TOLD MYSELF. AFTERALL, COORS LIGHT HAS
43 FEWER CALORIES THAN REGULAR COORS. GO AHEAD AND HAVE SOME DESSERT. AND
THAT ROLL WITH BUTTER? I DESERVE IT, DON'T I? THE RESULT WAS A MONTH OF
YO-YOING. I'D LOSE 2 POUNDS DURING THE WEEK, ONLY TO FIND THEM ON THE WEEKEND.
AS OF DEC. 30 I WEIGHED 176 POUNDS, THE SAME AS WHEN MY LAST COLUMN APPEARED
ON DEC. 7. AS I WRITE THIS COLUMN THE EXCUSES CONTINUE TO POP INTO MY HEAD.
``IT IS THE HOLIDAYS. DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL GET BACK ON TRACK AFTER NEW YEAR'S
EVE,'' I TELL MYSELF. I WANT TO BELIEVE IT, AND I DO. BUT I CAN'T HELP BUT
THINK BACK TO LAST NEW YEAR'S EVE, AND HOW I SAID THE VERY SAME THING.
ALTHOUGH I MAINTAINED MY THEN 20-POUND WEIGHT LOSS, I NEVER LOST THE
ADDITIONAL 50-PLUS POUNDS I WANTED TO DROP. IT WOULD NOT BE UNTIL OCTOBER THAT
I REGAINED THE MOTIVATION TO EVEN TRY AGAIN. NOW THAT I'VE LOST AN ADDITIONAL
12 POUNDS, THE MOTIVATION HAS AGAIN WANED. IT DIDN'T HELP WHEN, ON CHRISTMAS
DAY, I TRIED ON SOME OF THE CLOTHES I HAD OUTGROWN DURING MY WEIGHT GAIN. I
HAD GIVEN THE SMALLER SIZES TO MY MOTHER TO TAKE TO THE SALVATION ARMY,
BELIEVING I WOULD NEVER FIT IN THEM AGAIN. BUT SHE NEVER GAVE THEM AWAY. SHE
SUGGESTED I TRY ON THIS SIZE 10 JACKET I HAD ALWAYS LOVED. IT COULDN'T
POSSIBLY FIT, I THOUGHT. BUT IT DID. WHILE IT WAS A WONDERFUL TRIUMPH, IT
ONLY SERVED TO FUEL THAT NAGGING LITTLE VOICE IN MY HEAD THAT TELLS ME I
SHOULD BE PROUD FOR HAVING DONE WHAT I'VE DONE, AND SO WHAT IF I DON'T LOSE
ANY MORE WEIGHT. IT'S A FEELING THAT IS, UNFORTUNATELY, FURTHER FUELED BY MY
WONDERFUL, SUPPORTIVE FRIENDS, FAMILY MEMBERS AND CO-WORKERS WHO HAVE MADE A
SPECIAL EFFORT TO TELL ME HOW MUCH BETTER I LOOK. THEIR SUPPORT HAS MEANT
MORE TO ME THAN I CAN CONVEY. YET IT IS A SAD IRONY THAT THAT SUPPORT ALSO
SEEMS TO LESSEN MY RESOLVE TO CONTINUE IN MY WEIGHT LOSS EFFORT. YOU WOULD
THINK IT WOULD MOTIVATE ME TO TRY HARDER. INSTEAD IT FUELS A FEELING OF
COMPLACENCY. DEEP INSIDE I KNOW LOOKING ``BETTER'' AND LOOKING ``GOOD'' ARE
NOT SYNONYMOUS. BUT IT IS SO DIFFICULT TO GET PAST THE DEFENSE MECHANISMS THAT
GENERATE THE EXCUSES THAT ALLOW ME TO RATIONALIZE MY FAILURES. A LITTLE
CONFIDENCE IS A DANGEROUS THING WHEN YOU ARE IN THE MIDST OF A WEIGHT WAR, I
HAVE LEARNED. AND SO I FIND MYSELF IN THE AWKWARD POSITION OF HAVING TO ASK
ALL WHO KNOW ME TO PLEASE, STOP BEING SO NICE. THE BOTTOM LINE, SADLY, IS I
NEED TO FEEL BAD ABOUT MYSELF TO GARNER THE MOTIVATION TO CHANGE. I HATE TO
CALL IT A NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTION, BUT AS I WRITE THIS I HAVE VOWED TO EARNESTLY
RESUME MY WEIGHT LOSS EFFORT ON JAN. 1, 2000. AND IF I DON'T? THERE'S ALWAYS
JAN. 2. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
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 LOOK FOR UPDATES ON TERRIE'S PROGRESS IN FUTURE COLUMNS THAT WILL APPEAR ON
THE HEALTH PAGE PUBLISHED ON TUESDAYS IN THE TIMES LEADER. HAVE COMMENTS ON
THIS COLUMN? YOU CAN REACH TERRIE AT 829-7179 OR E-MAIL AT TMORGAN@LEADER.NET. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

I Feel Great, But That's The Problem Struggle To Fit