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Anna Johns

VAN ROSE
 Thursday, February 01, 2001 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;Page: 1D 





After having the misfortune of watching the first episode of ``Survivor:
The Australian Outback'' last Sunday, I quickly concluded the show is designed
for morons. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 After all, I thought, who else would possibly waste their time watching a
trashy show that is centered on 16 lying back-stabbers performing stupid human
tricks. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; But after looking up the definition of moron in Webster's dictionary, I
realized I was off base. The dictionary describes a moron as ``An adult
mentality equal to a child between the ages of 8 and 12.'' &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 That's a far too kind description of the show's loyal viewers. Brain dead
and catatonic seem to be more accurate. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Now I'm not saying that all 42 million people - according to the A.C.
Nielsen ratings - who watched Sunday's show are idiots. It's a safe bet that
many of them fell asleep during the Super Bowl, and ``Survivor'' was on when
they woke up. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 I must admit that I'm puzzled by the second ``Survivor'' phenomenon that
was spawned by the outrageous success of last summer's original series. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 About 51 million watched on Aug. 23 as Richard Hatch outlasted his fellow
contestants to take home the $1 million prize. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Certainly that would seem to serve as proof television viewers possess
incredibly low expectations. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 ``Survivor: The Australian Outback'' takes place on an isolated,
snake-infested patch of land in northeastern Australia. Sixteen scheming
strangers were split into the Kucha and Ogakor tribes and began competing for
the $1 million prize. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 For the most part, all of the contestants seemed to have two things in
common: They're very annoying, and not one is likely to be seen on ``Who Wants
To Be A Millionaire.'' &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 And despite what CBS would have us believe, there's no real danger
involved. No one's about to wrestle an alligator or run from a deadly snake. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Debb Eaton, a 45-year-old corrections officer from New Hampshire, stole
Sunday's show with her obnoxious and surly behavior. No doubt that's why she
was the first person voted ``out of the tribe.'' &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Her team, the Kucha tribe, lost an immunity challenge to the Ogakors. Both
teams had to cross three portions of a river, carrying a torch to light a
bonfire. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Two of Eaton's teammates, Jeff Varner and Kimmi Kappenberg, provided
Sunday's show with its low points. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Varner, who became ill, puked his guts out on camera. And the ditzy
Kappenberg blurted out ``How am I gonna masturbate out here?'' during her
team's first sleepover in their shelter. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Kappenberg also proved to be a chatterbox, prompting Varner to say: ``Kimmi
will not shut up, Kimmi cannot say a single thing without screaming it. I just
want to grab her by the neck and shake the (expletive) out of her.'' &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Actually, Varner is to be commended for his candor. It proves that the
``Survivor'' contestants deserve one another. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 Van Rose is a Times Leader staff writer. His television column appears
every Thursday. &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp; 
 &nbsp;&nbsp;&nbsp;

`survivor' Phenomenon Still Mystery